When you're needing rest from the road
I will bring you in from the cold
When your wildest dreams wash away
I will rescue you from the waves

When you lose, when you rush
When you don't feel strong enough
Everybody needs a pick me up
You can count on me
Come what may, come what might
Everybody falls down sometimes
Don't lose hope, it'll be alright
You can count on me
Yeah, you can count on me

When you're feeling all alone
I will carry you back home

When you lose, when you rush
When you don't feel strong enough
Everybody needs a pick me up
You can count on me
Come what may, come what might
Everybody falls down sometimes
Don't lose hope, it'll be alright
You can count on me
Yeah, you can count on me

When you lose, when you rush
When you don't feel strong enough
Everybody needs a pick me up
You can count on me
Yeah, you can count on me

- COUNT ON ME by NEEDTOBREATHE

///

I used to tease my husband about how obsessively he listens to songs. Actually, it drove me crazy. And I complained about it to him, not tease. He finds a song he enjoys and then he listens to ONLY that one song until he can no longer bear to hear it. Unfortunately, that is weeks after I have reached my limits with that song. I've been a consistent 'listen-to-the-whole-album-or-playlist'/anti-repeat music listener for as long as I remember. Except this song. This song has me obsessively listening to it on repeat, much to my own embarrassment.

The second verse made me stop when I was listening to it the first time - When you're feeling all alone / I will carry you back home. I've been feeling lonely for a while now. I can't even remember when it started exactly, but I remember feeling it profoundly the year Hudson turned 3/Gemma's first year. Granted the first year of a child's life feels pretty crazy at the best of times, with the most well-behaved/chill baby... but that was when loneliness dug into my life and I've struggled to leave that darkness since then. I say darkness because it was... and is. It's not just loneliness - it's postpartum depression and anxiety, it's grief, it's valid and irrational fears while in relationships with others. Loneliness is the manifestation of all those things in my life (and my head) when I shut myself off and away from others. 

I'm learning a lot about myself, as I attempt to navigate grief and loss with a therapist and on my own. Realizing that my number one fear is being alone and/or people leaving has been almost monumental. It also feels silly and ridiculous and vulnerable to say our fears out loud.

I'm not past this fear, this loneliness, by any means. It's pretty prevalent in my life still and it spurs panic attacks that are HARD to breathe in and talk myself out of. But I'm beginning to see triggers before they provoke an attack (sometimes) and I'm getting better at seeing the truth of a situation instead of what my imagination conjures. Please consider this my disclaimer - I'm still a hot mess in this area of my life and I do not approach this from any other position but one of transparency and humility.

So what is the truth in every situation? The truth is I am NEVER alone. Situations and circumstances may feel lonely and, honestly, sometimes they are lonely. But just because I feel those things, doesn't mean that I am alone. In any situation, there is evidence of others both awkwardly and gracefully reaching out, trying to be there with me. Or people that would be if I only asked them to be.

I had a discussion with a good friend recently about a controversial topic. The question of whether we thought it was okay to choose side B over side A if you didn't have family and you were alone came up. I heard myself asking "But is a person ever TRULY alone? You may not have family but I find it hard to believe that there isn't at least one person that cares for that person..." And it surprised me. Because I've felt alone and lonely, dismissing the care and concern of others when my perceived feelings of being alone validated my fears or rationalized (in a backwards sort of way) my anxiety. The fear and anxiety feed off of the other in a vicious, destructive cycle, and I lose sight of truth when those things warp my vision.

My understanding is that the band NEEDTOBREATHE has Christian beliefs but I don't actually know who they are speaking 'as' in their song - is it to another person, a husband/wife, a child? or is it what they felt Jesus was speaking to them, to their hearts, as they wrote it? Both probably work. For me? It's about me and Jesus. He's the one who NEVER leaves, he's the one who I can count on, the one that brings me home. I could sing this to my kids and mean every single word for the rest of my life... but the thing is, I don't know how long my life will be. Or theirs either. This is true because I know people that have mourned their fathers, mothers, grandparents, children and infants. Goodness, I feel loss and the grief of life and relationship cut short profoundly in my relationship with my mom. Jesus is the only one that I know will be with me, for my duration here on this earth and into eternity when I pass on to that side. Jesus is the only one that I can teach my children to depend on completely, who will never fail them. I fail regularly despite my best efforts.

So, I may feel all alone at times, but I'm not. I'm not.

And maybe, just maybe, I would feel a lot less alone if I started to let people in a bit more. If I gave more grace and let people awkwardly attempt to 'be there', to care for me. When I've done that, I've been on the receiving end of hugs and shared tears. I've had my stomach filled by a meal dropped off in my fridge. My dishes have been cleaned without me doing them. I've been told I belong. When I share my insecurities and my fears with others, risking a less than ideal response, I invite people into my life in a meaningful way that makes being alone impossible. And when the responses hurt, when I'm disappointed and let down and I feel all alone again, I tell myself the truth of EVERY situation.

I am never alone. Because Jesus loves me and I can count on Him.